How to rally a family when everything is difficult
During the love phase, it usually takes no special effort to successfully resolve disputes. As a rule, lovers try not to interfere, because they want to like more. But then the hormonal background returns to normal, the intensity of emotions decreases, children are born and additional problems appear after them, so the couple who cannot rationally resolve their conflicts more often get bogged down in an atmosphere of chronic altercation, feeling irritated by failed attempts to fix something. And gradually moving away from each other.
Conflicts in the family happen for a variety of reasons: from small domestic troubles to universal confrontations. And they manifest themselves in different ways: someone calmly speaks, someone shouts, someone sulks for two or three weeks.
And if there is a conflict in the family, this is normal. This means that family members are not indifferent to each other, and their relationships develop. And in the presence of conflicts, the family remains united, it is necessary to solve them correctly, in time revealing their true causes and working with them.
Causes of Family Conflict
- Usually quarrels, disputes and confrontations arise because of the unmet needs of one or more family members. This need may be personal, physiological, or emotional. Unmet need causes a strong tension that does not help to experience satisfaction. A person cannot live long in tension, therefore a conflict arises.
Let's give an example. One of my familiar family almost fell apart because of the slot machines. Beautiful wife Irina, calm working husband Igor, an inquisitive child. Everything was absolutely cloudless, until the money, things and savings began to disappear from the apartment. The husband always called various reasons. Once Ira did not find the money set aside for food. When Igor confessed everything, there was a terrible scandal with throwing dishes and breaking windows. The child, fortunately, was with grandfather.
Ira with Igor could not quickly solve the problem, often cursing, the child felt the conflict, became whiny, capricious. Later the elderly generation of the family joined the scandal. The mother-in-law blamed Ira: “You’re not a pair to my son, you don’t know how to interest him, you don’t cook well, so he ran off to the machine guns.And rejoice that it is not to his mistress. " Ira's mother blamed
Igor in unsuccessfulness, negligence and laziness. And grandfather generally wanted to take the grandson to himself.
As we can see, the family has disintegrated, and the conflict has uncovered other suppressed needs of everyone. And no one asked Igor: “Why did you do it?”
- Here comes the second reason for family conflicts - lack of information for decision making. Often, not all members of the family talk about their views, interests, needs, until it pops up in the conflict. Someone has no time to talk about it, someone is ashamed, and so on.
What to do if a family has a conflict
- Remove from the "battlefield" of children. Children are very emotional and traumatic, they should not see insults, throwing dishes, or breaking windows. Not to mention the physical effects. If you want to quarrel, walk outside or quietly sort things out while your child is sleeping, at least in another room.
- Include your wisdom, intelligence and calmness. Without all this, it is impossible to effectively solve the problem.
- To understand that conflicts are normal. And defending their point of view - too.
- Stop strangers with their needs. In the given example, it would be useful for Ira to stop her mother-in-law like this: “We are now discussing slot machines, not me. Thank you for worrying about us. We'll figure it out. ” Irina's mom could have been stopped like this: “Thank you for your support. Please do not insult my husband. We'll figure it out. ”
- Establish the true cause of the conflict. As practice shows, a person, getting stuck in problems, does not think about others and the consequences, problems that he will bring to the family. In other words, a person does not purposefully set himself the task of harming a family.
In this case, it is important to tell the culprit without emotion what consequences his behavior led to. It is also important to describe your emotions. Then you will need to ask: “Why / why did you do it? What did you want? What was missing? ”Sometimes this may require the help of a psychologist. Later, in a frank conversation with Igor, it turned out that his wife’s authoritarianism put a lot of pressure on him, he didn’t like to live “according to plan” and really wanted “excitement, emotion, drive”.
- Together come up with alternative safe ways to meet these needs.In our example, Igor became interested in parachuting and began to actively participate in urban quests. And Ira went to work as a teacher and realized her authoritarianism in the classroom management.
- Together to figure out how to eliminate the consequences. Igor voluntarily stopped talking to slot machines, returned the money, bought the necessary things and began to spend more time with his family.
- Do not go back to the past. If the conflict is really resolved, it is absolutely impossible to discuss it further. Even as an example. As the saying goes, "whoever remembers the old one is out of sight."
I wish you not to be shy in time to voice your needs to the family, to implement them in safe ways, and then everything will be fine.
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