Truth is born in disputes - yes or no?
I want to say that relationships are designed to reap the mutual benefits of being close by. And the most important of these benefits is the mutual compensation of neurotic experiences. Simply put, partners are created in order to soothe each other. A great example is the most united flocks of monkeys. They are most of the time engaged in stroking, hugging and scratching a partner.
Disputes are a type of competition. One can argue only in one case - when the subject of the dispute is objective and the debaters do not pursue hidden benefits. For example, you can argue about who will be what and when to do or who will pay for what. It's all clear. But how to act in a similar situation:
Hello Dmitry! We live with a man for about a year. We are both over forty. Both divorced, long been lonely. We try very hard to make relations as close as possible and bring joy. But there is one problem that bothers me and baffles ... We are discussing a question or situation. I may have a different point of view.I can see the situation from the other side. I even give examples that I saw myself. I always say calmly. His reaction: “Why do you talk to me?”, “Is it difficult for you to agree with me?” I explain: all people look at the world differently. I'm just a different opinion ... He irritated and even angry. He says - how to live with a man who DOES NOT SUPPORT you. And the question is not a fundamental one. I have never encountered such a situation and do not know how to react to it. Maybe I'm doing something wrong? I did and I can agree to remain silent, not difficult for me. But why such a reaction, because in a dispute born truth? ..
Judging by the letter, these disputes are of a different nature. Heroes lack self-confidence. Like most people, they are internally suppressed, which means that a close person is needed, among other things, to play the role of external support. Husband is really not important opinion of his wife, it is important that she supported him. The benefit is not to prove who is right, but to get the consent of a loved one, which will give the feeling that you are not alone.
Usually in the family is always someone buffering: a softer partner softens a more emotional or rigid.But, of course, there is a difference, how does the partner do it - consciously or not? That partner, who buffets unconsciously, becomes a victim, as, in fact, he loses his position and swallows the aggression directed at him.
To marital disputes should be approached, asking yourself the following question: what is more important for you - your own opinion on this issue or the feeling that arises in a situation of consent and mutual acceptance? If you see that the partner is not intended to put you down, then you should not treat the dispute as confrontation. Try for a certain period of time to consciously agree with him, despite the difference in views. If you see that as a result you lose less than you get, this tendency will be fixed and will become an excellent compensation for partner's neuroticism.
Living together is a strategy. And the strategy, in turn, provides for responsibility.
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