Problems and peculiarities of relations with the stepdaughter
According to the most optimistic statistical forecasts, in our country more than 60% of marriages fall apart. Sooner or later, one or both of the former spouses of life are decided on a second marriage. In this case, it is often necessary to build relationships not only with the second half. As a rule, partners already have children from previous marriages who are rarely willing to accept their parent's new love. The situation is exacerbated when children live in a newly-born family, and not just see it on weekends.
Why is the relationship with the stepdaughter more conflicts?
Creating a new family for a child is no less trauma than the divorce or death of parents. In the event of the untimely death of a mother or father, children are more likely to accept the new parent’s new relationship. During a divorce, they continue to indulge themselves with the thought that this is a temporary phenomenon, and the parents will make peace.
Therefore, often a new partner is perceived as the cause of the destruction of the past family and the impossibility of its reunification. It is not surprising that with such feelings it is difficult to build normal relationships.
According to research by psychologists, in general, boys are better able to adapt to the emergence of a new family member than girls. Of course, provided that from the stepfather or stepmother there is no hostility and dislike. Girls in the role of stepdaughter are more irreconcilable and conflict.
It is especially difficult for all participants in this situation when a stepmother comes to the house. After all, for each child, and especially girls, mother is sacred. And the absent mother becomes the subject of complete idealization, even if in fact she was deprived of parental rights.
In addition, traditionally it is the woman who has to build relationships in the family and spend more time with the children. Therefore, if in many educational moments a stepfather can withdraw himself, entrusting everything to his wife, then the stepmother often does not have such an opportunity.
Another reason that the stepmother’s relationship with the stepdaughter is more complex is the girl’s excessive expectations. If for the stepson it is enough to become a friend and a reliable shoulder, then for the daughter of the spouse you will have to be a worthy example in everything.
At what age can adaptation be more painless?
Of course, it all depends on the individual characteristics of young family members, and problems can arise at any age.Still, the best option - when remarriage is, if the girl is under 5 years old. In this period she urgently needs a mother and is ready to accept a new person more affably.
After this age begins to progress jealousy towards the father, whose attention had previously belonged entirely to her. It is especially difficult to establish relations with a teenage girl. In transitional age, girls often conflict with their parents and mothers, what can we say about the stepmother. Here we have to deal with open provocations from the stepdaughter.
What are the main problems the stepmother will have to face?
Having decided to link life with a man who has a daughter from his first marriage, be prepared to face the following difficulties.
- Accusations in the destruction of the past family. Children usually blame their parents for divorce. Teenagers are trying to protect themselves from problems with the help of open accusations against a new partner, even if he appeared after the fact of family breakup.
- Jealousy by stepdaughter. She perceives you as an enemy trying to take away a part of his father’s love.
- The idealization of the mother.In an attempt to deny reality, children come up with an imaginary ideal image of their mother, who "would never do that or say so."
- Discipline and education. Often girls refuse to listen to the stepmother and compromise with her. They manipulate the love of a father who feels guilty and begins to allow his daughter too much.
The situation can be repeatedly aggravated with the appearance in the family of a joint child, “native” for both parents. The birth of a baby often causes jealousy in ordinary families, where a special tact is required from mom and dad in order to convince the eldest daughter that she was not loved less. In the case of stepmother, all the difficulties are multiplying.
What to do to establish a relationship with the stepdaughter?
First of all, you need to realistically assess your strength. If you really want to live with this man, you must respect and build relationships with the man he loves very much - his daughter. It will be a huge mistake to believe that somehow everything will be solved by itself, without your participation and efforts. Since in relations with the stepdaughter you are an adult, you will have to show wisdom, tact and settle numerous conflicts. Therefore, if you are not ready for this, it is worth to think ten times before moving on.
If the decision is your final and now you are concerned about how to bring up your spouse's daughter, you should follow the following recommendations:
- Do not try to replace the girl's mother. Never speak badly of her, even if she deserves it, in your opinion. Do not require a stepdaughter to call you mom. Do not interfere with her communication with the mother, if she has such a desire.
- Remember that you do not have to immediately love each other. Start by building a mutually respectful relationship. Give the child the opportunity to expand the boundaries as they become available. What not to do? Do not try to fake and show non-existent love. Children perfectly feel the lie and do not forgive it.
- Be a step-by-step daily example of how to communicate with your husband, people around you, manage your household, look after your appearance, etc. That is, give her what each mother of her daughter should give. Observe the girl's hobbies and try to support the stepdaughter in them. Find a common occupation: cooking, handicrafts, shopping or skydiving.
- Stay in relationship with the spouse's daughter of the “golden mean”: do not try to buy her disposition with permissiveness, but do not overdo it with educational measures.Foster parents are a priori allowed less than relatives. If a well-deserved slap on a priest from his mother is completely forgotten after 10 minutes, then his stepmother will be remembered for years. Therefore, if the punishment can not be avoided, let his own father deal with it.
- In the case of having your children or the birth of a joint child, try not to make a difference in your attitude towards them. Also, maximally involve the older children in the upbringing and care of the younger ones. Joint concerns unite.
- Spend as much time as possible with the whole family. Gradually introduce rules, traditions and family rituals.
- Agree with your spouse about a common course of behavior towards children, otherwise they will begin to manipulate you. Ask him for help in building a relationship with his daughter.
- Calmly discuss all conflict situations with your husband and stepdaughter, not waiting for them to go into the stage of a protracted guerrilla war. If, despite all your efforts, you feel that you are not able to solve the problems yourself, do not hesitate to resort to the help of family psychologists. Remember that bad relationships with the children of the spouse are often the cause of the breakup of the marriage.
At the same time, it is necessary to tune in to a long process and not despair at the first failures, which, undoubtedly, will be. Remember that the best mother sometimes feels overwhelmed, tired and not knowing how to behave with the child.
According to experts, the establishment of relations with the children of the marriage partner takes from 2 to 7 years. Therefore, the main thing is to have patience, faith and a sincere desire to build a real, united and strong family. Then you will succeed.
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